I are James. Part 1

by | Oct 23, 2016 | 2 comments

My name is James. And I am a devoted Christian. And this will be the first story of my crazy adventures.

This first story I will tell is of when I wanted to marry my then girlfriend. Her name is Mary.

It was a crazy Saturday morning. I got into my car and noticed that the empty fuel light has been on since the previous morning. But because of the small salary I was getting, I had no money left to put some desperately needed petrol in my car. I closed my eyes, said a quick prayer and God answered my prayers immediately.

As I looked up I saw the homeless person that I borrowed R50 to earlier this month. God must have put him there. I quickly jumped out of my car and asked the homeless man to return the money I lent him, as God wants this from him. With a very dazed look on his face, he said he had no money, and thought that I had given him the money, not lend it to him. I saw his flask in his inner jacket and said I would take that from him as God does not want him to drink alcohol anymore, and with this he can repay me. He was very hesitant at first, but with some screaming and arguing I got the flask from him.

God must be proud of me. I sold his flask at the pawn shop around the corner and got R15 for it. At least I will have enough petrol for the 3km trip to my girlfriend’s house and back.

I went to my girlfriend’s parents’ house for lunch and to watch the soccer. My soon to be father-in-law was a huge fan of Manchester United. After lunch and soccer, I accompanied my hopefully soon to be father-in-law outside where he went for his usual smoke.

I remember thinking “this is my chance”. Other than worshiping my Lord Jesus and eating prawns, the only thing I could think of was marrying Mary, my girlfriend of two years. She assured me that she was a virgin, which is a good thing, otherwise I might have had to stone her to death later on. I followed Ben, my soon to be father-in-law outside. He gave me a funny grin as I never accompanied him for a smoke. He wasn’t too fond of me.

“Sir, I know this might come with some surprise, but I would like to marry your daughter, Mary”. I thought I heard a silent laugh, but could not be sure. “Sure, you can marry my daughter”, he said, but with a big smile on his face. I was not expecting him to be this happy about this question. “But you have to bring me the foreskins of 100 Liverpool supporters before you can marry her”, he continued. He laughed as he was playing the scene in his head. Me, James, not being a violent person at all at this time in life, would be killed if I wanted to circumcise even 1 Liverpool supporter, never mind one hundred.

I went down on my knees that night and prayed to God to give me the strength to do this massive task ahead of me. And as I said “Amen” I heard my cat fall off the roof. “That MUST be a sign from God that he will help me.”

So I set out to the nearest Liverpool supporting pub I could find to complete my task, as I knew God would help me.

For legal reasons I will leave the ”how I did it” out of my story to prevent me from going to jail, as that is definitely not God’s plan for me and jail also does not serve prawns, I think.

So I walk into Ben’s house, with all the blood that was spilled over my face because of all the circumcisions, with 200 foreskins of Liverpool supporters. I presented this to Ben, and with that famous frown on his face, he knew he had no choice but to give me his daughter.

From that day onwards, my father-in-law and I have been mortal enemies. But God sent me a sign as my cat jumped onto the roof exactly where he fell off a few days ago, so He must be happy with me and that I am a wise man of God.

 

1 Samuel 18:25 – 27

About the Author

Chris Roux was born and raised as a Christian. During his upbringing he became very involved within the church, quickly becoming a youth leader. After school he got very interested in the scientific world after reading A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. This led Chris to question and discover much of the scientific world which the average person is not interested in – a world of mystery backed by facts. The questions asked was later put to the Christian religion whereby he realised that so many years were wasted on a lie. Chris believes in humanity, in animals and the good that we leave this world in after we leave. He is an active atheist who honestly believes that religion is the root of all evil (or in most cases) and is fighting for people to understand this point of view, which he believes will only improve the human race, but also the environment.